Okay, I'm officially exhausted. I'm tired of carrying on as I have the past few months (years?). I've been putting up a front and I don't know why, this one wasn't my doing. Anyway, I'm tired of lugging around all this shit, so I'm simplifying things. No more worrying, I've no reason to worry anymore. I've a woman that loves me. I've friends that would do anything for me. I've a good job. I've an awesome car. I'm going to college. What the fuck do I have bad or wrong going on? Due to this new 'logic' I can't see a reason to be unhappy. Which following that same logic means that its all in my head. I'm going to the doctor before the end of the year. I think its time to get re-evaluated. Been too long. I was supposed to have check ups every 6 months since about 2004. I've not been back to see a doctor since early '04. Been med-less for just as long. I drew the false conclusion that just because I didn't have any more thoughts of suicide meant I didn't need them. I never realized that they helped stabilize me, gave me a foot to stand on against the stress. I dunno, I wonder if maybe it'll be worth being on them again. All the will I have dormant in me, all the support I have from my beloved friends and lover, has brought me close to conquering the paranoia and ridding myself of this shadow that hangs over me, but I need the last punch, and I think going back on my meds will at least give me enough strength to give it one final blow. I can see the sunshine for the first time in years, I want to be in it, with everyone I care about, instead of hiding from it and cursing it for all those around me. Life is worth living, worth having, worth experiencing again and again and again.
All the same I'm terrified of going and getting evaluated again though. I wasn't supposed to be told, but my parents weren't going to hide it from me that at the last therapy session I had years back the doc told them he was starting to think I had/have paranoid schizophrenia. I never thought much of it, but it would explain a lot. The worry, the endless paranoia, unwillingness and inablility to trust, the feeling of not being alone in my head, illusions of grandeur, etc. I'm afraid of it being true. I don't want to be 'that guy'. I want the grand things I see for myself and for others to be the truth. I want the feeling that I have something greater in me to be legitimate. I'm afraid that if I get re-eval'd and diagnosed and start treatment I'll lose all that, and I cherish that part of it all. I love being a dreamer, I love being a thinker, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now in college. I know I can be those things without the help of something like P.Schiz, but I'm afraid I won't be able to. I know that if I do go and get evaluated and it turns out bad I'll have the best support group in the world (you guys).
Ah hell, who knows, maybe I'm perfectly fine and all that I feel inside, all the desire for the good of all, all the need to be something more than this, all the desire to be the leader of change, is legit. I don't doubt I need to be on something. For the past 3+ years I've had a sharp decline in my ability to stay focused. And I need something to help keep me a little more level, my moods are fluctuating more than I can control with will alone.
I know one thing I need. And I realize now I've always had it. I need someone(s) to believe in me. Maybe that's the secret to all this. Maybe that's what I need to knock this out finally and be free of it. I need people to believe in me, with no hesitance, no doubt. It sounds like a lot, I seem to be asking for blind belief, but I know deep deep down under all the distractions and barriers and bullshit that I will not dissapoint.
Anyway, more later, head is starting to hurt too much from trying to think this through. Please don't think I'm crazy. Please don't think I'm full of shit or just bitching. Every word I've said in this blog has been 100% true, something I usually don't do.
I love you guys. Mock me, laugh at me for saying that, but all of you, guys and gals alike that are my friends, I love you all. Don't give up on me, and please don't let go.
I love you Christina. More than I can even attempt to put in this text block. I'd crash the internet with as much as I'd have to type to tell you that. Do not give up on me.
I'll be alright soon everyone. I promise, I just need the strength to free myself.
Always,
Allen J. Kerns
P.S: Ferrin... I am sorry for how I was. All the problems we were having (are having? Idk, I think things are okay now), were my fault and I shouldn't have blamed you for any of it. I hope I havn't screwed things up too bad. You're my twin, my sister, my friend. I'd hate to think I've ruined everything. I'm so sorry.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
White Flags and Red Eyes
Why do I feel like just saying fuck everything and give up on it all? An explanation would be awesome.
Oh well, being able to run away and hide or pretend things are fine or ignore the real problems or just never solve anything is a luxury I do not, never have, or will never have. I learned long ago what happens when you ignore your problems. They one day tap you on the shoulder to get you to turn around, then brutally murder you and devour whats left of your sanity.
"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus side show." ~Tool "Aenema"
Oh well, being able to run away and hide or pretend things are fine or ignore the real problems or just never solve anything is a luxury I do not, never have, or will never have. I learned long ago what happens when you ignore your problems. They one day tap you on the shoulder to get you to turn around, then brutally murder you and devour whats left of your sanity.
"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus side show." ~Tool "Aenema"
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Make it stop.
Finally a place to empty my head. Some place where I can express myself with more ease. I am not a man skilled with speaking. Typing/writing, yes, or at least I'd like to believe, but not when it comes to speaking. I lose my tongue along with my nerve, and that is why I never open up about the things working deeper inside me.
I used to believe that I was a dual person. I used to believe that I had finally put an end to that part of me. I used to believe... I wish I could still believe that line of bullshit I've been feeding myself. I've not solved any of the problem. I feel the divide in me more than ever before and it weighs on me more and more with each passing day. There is no permanent relief from this burden, just temporary respite. Do you know what it feels like to have your very mind pull itself apart at every point in the day where a decision is required? To have something more than a simple yes or no, or left or right, or to do or not to do in every scenario? To feel a pull to do the most radical thing you can (generally involving destruction of some sort), or absolute righteousness (some form of self sacrifice)? I feel the pull and hear the calls of both side of my psyche now and it is slowly killing me. I really don't know how much I can take. I fear for the ones I love and call family. For all I know I could wake up tomorrow and finally have lost my grip.
I don't believe that these pulls are just my conscious in high gear. It is far more than that. I've always been a skeptic to otherworldly things, but I think my own proof for belief is my own existence. I am not alone in my head, in my skin. I feel that ever chaotic darkness and the ever searing bright moving within me. I would be happy to have the darkness banished and revol in the light, but I cannot for the love of all that is good shake it. I've tried everything, even controlling it with disasterous results, and it will not leave me in peace. Is there a God? Sure, I don't doubt it, I believe it is different than we are told, but I do believe They (notice the plurality), are there. I believe they are not all nice and sweet and benevolent as well. I believe in the existence of evil, even view it as a primal element, just as I do the concept of good, and believe that both have absolute extremes, just as the absolute extrems of fire, water, wind, earth, and the human exist somewhere. I believe that the darkness inside of me is something I haven't put there myself (I've stored alot of hate in my time here so far), and the same goes for the light. I can feel them, I know they are there, and they know that I know.
I need to rid myself of the darker part of my existence, cleanse myself, purge it from my mind/soul/body/whatever so I can finally, finally be at peace. It cannot control me, I cannot control it, so it is eating at me waiting... waiting for the day I am weak enough that it can overthrow my mind. I know what it wants, all it wants is pain and suffering, and I have too many people I care about to let this thing come to the surface. BUT HOW? I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! I cannot make its pull cease. Not even the love of my friends, not even the love of Christina can cause it to retract like a child after having its hand smacked. I feel like I'm racing a clock, but I don't know why. I feel like I'm running out of time, but time for what? I feel like something is coming, but I don't know what it is. Is it the day of peace I so yearn for, or is it the day of darkness when I will fall to this hateful creature within me and betray all those I care about and destroy all that I have come to love? I hope it is the later of the two, for the sake of myself and all those around me.
If it is the day of peace I so long for, then I think I know now what all my dreams have ever meant, why I feel such a conviction in me to rid the dark, why I have always felt like I have a purpose greater than myself. I have been told before by people who can see more than most ever could that I have a purpose for being here. I have been told before that the choice is in my hands to be who I was meant to be, or to succumb and be nothing. As I have spoke of the dark thing in me, so is there a full counter part to it. For every bit of dark, there is a bit of light in my heart and soul, and I feel it dying to break out. I want it to, I need it to, for it is the person I know I truly am underneath it all. It is time undoubtably to bring it to the surface, but I do not know the way, and anytime I try the ways are all blocked by that damned other thing sharing my mind. How can the light succeed if the dark is always there to bar the path? Am I supposed to be the one to give it the extra boost? How? I need a guide, some help, something, I cannot do this alone anymore, but I know no one will believe me. I'll either be written off as a lunatic or someone desperatly seeking attention. I know I am neither of these, but without solid proof of the existence of these two entities in me (the light and the dark), I will never recieve aid. I am alone in my struggle, and I am failing.
For the record, I love the light part inside me. He is more than any human could ever hope to be. Wise, compassionate, caring, patient, understanding, powerful, to an extent that leaves me in awe when I feel it surface. I wonder what would happen to me if I ever find a way to let it free. Would I be lost? Or would I become this being? How is that possible? Can we be more than human? I believe we can, we are just told we can't by the powers that be. If everyone in the world pulled their heads out of their asses (me included) we could achieve the next state of human-ness. We could be more than human. We have the most unique talent of all known living organisms: The ability to infinitely adapt, shift, change, and grow to just further that same chain of adapting, shifting, changing, and learning. I want to believe we can be more than human, for it is the only hope I see us having.
I want to believe that this isn't all just me going insane. That there really is something else in my head. I feel it much like you feel your own consciousness. It is distinct, but so is that ever radiant light in my heart. I've seen both their faces, in my mind and in my dreams. I want to believe this is all real. I need to believe it is, because for me there is no other explanation. I must believe.
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. WHY CAN'T I JUST KNOW THE FUCKING TRUTH AND FINALLY PUT MY MIND TO REST? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS STRAIN ANYMORE! I NEED TO BELIEVE!!! I NEED TO BELIEVE THERE IS MORE THAN THIS, THAT I AM MORE THAN THIS, THAT THERE IS MORE IN MY HEAD THAN JUST ME! THAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF RISING UP THIS MEDIOCRITY OF HUMAN-NESS AND ACHIEVE A HIGHER STATE OF EXISTENCE. I NEED TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS MORE TO REALITY THAN WHAT WE SENSE. I NEED TO BELIEVE I AM NOT ALONE INSIDE MYSELF, I KNOW THEY ARE THERE, I FEEL THEM, I HEAR THEM, I SEE THEM. I DO NOT WISH THIS UPON MYSELF, I WANT THE HATE AND DARKNESS GONE SO THE LIGHT THAT IS WHO I TRULY AM CAN SHINE FULLY AND UNTAINTED. I WANT TO BELIEVE! I NEED TO BELIEVE! I HAVE TO BELIEVE!!!
Someone please just make it stop... I'd rather spend an eternity in hell then continue this nightmare... just please make it stop...
I used to believe that I was a dual person. I used to believe that I had finally put an end to that part of me. I used to believe... I wish I could still believe that line of bullshit I've been feeding myself. I've not solved any of the problem. I feel the divide in me more than ever before and it weighs on me more and more with each passing day. There is no permanent relief from this burden, just temporary respite. Do you know what it feels like to have your very mind pull itself apart at every point in the day where a decision is required? To have something more than a simple yes or no, or left or right, or to do or not to do in every scenario? To feel a pull to do the most radical thing you can (generally involving destruction of some sort), or absolute righteousness (some form of self sacrifice)? I feel the pull and hear the calls of both side of my psyche now and it is slowly killing me. I really don't know how much I can take. I fear for the ones I love and call family. For all I know I could wake up tomorrow and finally have lost my grip.
I don't believe that these pulls are just my conscious in high gear. It is far more than that. I've always been a skeptic to otherworldly things, but I think my own proof for belief is my own existence. I am not alone in my head, in my skin. I feel that ever chaotic darkness and the ever searing bright moving within me. I would be happy to have the darkness banished and revol in the light, but I cannot for the love of all that is good shake it. I've tried everything, even controlling it with disasterous results, and it will not leave me in peace. Is there a God? Sure, I don't doubt it, I believe it is different than we are told, but I do believe They (notice the plurality), are there. I believe they are not all nice and sweet and benevolent as well. I believe in the existence of evil, even view it as a primal element, just as I do the concept of good, and believe that both have absolute extremes, just as the absolute extrems of fire, water, wind, earth, and the human exist somewhere. I believe that the darkness inside of me is something I haven't put there myself (I've stored alot of hate in my time here so far), and the same goes for the light. I can feel them, I know they are there, and they know that I know.
I need to rid myself of the darker part of my existence, cleanse myself, purge it from my mind/soul/body/whatever so I can finally, finally be at peace. It cannot control me, I cannot control it, so it is eating at me waiting... waiting for the day I am weak enough that it can overthrow my mind. I know what it wants, all it wants is pain and suffering, and I have too many people I care about to let this thing come to the surface. BUT HOW? I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! I cannot make its pull cease. Not even the love of my friends, not even the love of Christina can cause it to retract like a child after having its hand smacked. I feel like I'm racing a clock, but I don't know why. I feel like I'm running out of time, but time for what? I feel like something is coming, but I don't know what it is. Is it the day of peace I so yearn for, or is it the day of darkness when I will fall to this hateful creature within me and betray all those I care about and destroy all that I have come to love? I hope it is the later of the two, for the sake of myself and all those around me.
If it is the day of peace I so long for, then I think I know now what all my dreams have ever meant, why I feel such a conviction in me to rid the dark, why I have always felt like I have a purpose greater than myself. I have been told before by people who can see more than most ever could that I have a purpose for being here. I have been told before that the choice is in my hands to be who I was meant to be, or to succumb and be nothing. As I have spoke of the dark thing in me, so is there a full counter part to it. For every bit of dark, there is a bit of light in my heart and soul, and I feel it dying to break out. I want it to, I need it to, for it is the person I know I truly am underneath it all. It is time undoubtably to bring it to the surface, but I do not know the way, and anytime I try the ways are all blocked by that damned other thing sharing my mind. How can the light succeed if the dark is always there to bar the path? Am I supposed to be the one to give it the extra boost? How? I need a guide, some help, something, I cannot do this alone anymore, but I know no one will believe me. I'll either be written off as a lunatic or someone desperatly seeking attention. I know I am neither of these, but without solid proof of the existence of these two entities in me (the light and the dark), I will never recieve aid. I am alone in my struggle, and I am failing.
For the record, I love the light part inside me. He is more than any human could ever hope to be. Wise, compassionate, caring, patient, understanding, powerful, to an extent that leaves me in awe when I feel it surface. I wonder what would happen to me if I ever find a way to let it free. Would I be lost? Or would I become this being? How is that possible? Can we be more than human? I believe we can, we are just told we can't by the powers that be. If everyone in the world pulled their heads out of their asses (me included) we could achieve the next state of human-ness. We could be more than human. We have the most unique talent of all known living organisms: The ability to infinitely adapt, shift, change, and grow to just further that same chain of adapting, shifting, changing, and learning. I want to believe we can be more than human, for it is the only hope I see us having.
I want to believe that this isn't all just me going insane. That there really is something else in my head. I feel it much like you feel your own consciousness. It is distinct, but so is that ever radiant light in my heart. I've seen both their faces, in my mind and in my dreams. I want to believe this is all real. I need to believe it is, because for me there is no other explanation. I must believe.
THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. WHY CAN'T I JUST KNOW THE FUCKING TRUTH AND FINALLY PUT MY MIND TO REST? I CANNOT HANDLE THIS STRAIN ANYMORE! I NEED TO BELIEVE!!! I NEED TO BELIEVE THERE IS MORE THAN THIS, THAT I AM MORE THAN THIS, THAT THERE IS MORE IN MY HEAD THAN JUST ME! THAT WE ARE CAPABLE OF RISING UP THIS MEDIOCRITY OF HUMAN-NESS AND ACHIEVE A HIGHER STATE OF EXISTENCE. I NEED TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS MORE TO REALITY THAN WHAT WE SENSE. I NEED TO BELIEVE I AM NOT ALONE INSIDE MYSELF, I KNOW THEY ARE THERE, I FEEL THEM, I HEAR THEM, I SEE THEM. I DO NOT WISH THIS UPON MYSELF, I WANT THE HATE AND DARKNESS GONE SO THE LIGHT THAT IS WHO I TRULY AM CAN SHINE FULLY AND UNTAINTED. I WANT TO BELIEVE! I NEED TO BELIEVE! I HAVE TO BELIEVE!!!
Someone please just make it stop... I'd rather spend an eternity in hell then continue this nightmare... just please make it stop...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)