Waking Up

Okay, I'm officially exhausted. I'm tired of carrying on as I have the past few months (years?). I've been putting up a front and I don't know why, this one wasn't my doing. Anyway, I'm tired of lugging around all this shit, so I'm simplifying things. No more worrying, I've no reason to worry anymore. I've a woman that loves me. I've friends that would do anything for me. I've a good job. I've an awesome car. I'm going to college. What the fuck do I have bad or wrong going on? Due to this new 'logic' I can't see a reason to be unhappy. Which following that same logic means that its all in my head. I'm going to the doctor before the end of the year. I think its time to get re-evaluated. Been too long. I was supposed to have check ups every 6 months since about 2004. I've not been back to see a doctor since early '04. Been med-less for just as long. I drew the false conclusion that just because I didn't have any more thoughts of suicide meant I didn't need them. I never realized that they helped stabilize me, gave me a foot to stand on against the stress. I dunno, I wonder if maybe it'll be worth being on them again. All the will I have dormant in me, all the support I have from my beloved friends and lover, has brought me close to conquering the paranoia and ridding myself of this shadow that hangs over me, but I need the last punch, and I think going back on my meds will at least give me enough strength to give it one final blow. I can see the sunshine for the first time in years, I want to be in it, with everyone I care about, instead of hiding from it and cursing it for all those around me. Life is worth living, worth having, worth experiencing again and again and again.

All the same I'm terrified of going and getting evaluated again though. I wasn't supposed to be told, but my parents weren't going to hide it from me that at the last therapy session I had years back the doc told them he was starting to think I had/have paranoid schizophrenia. I never thought much of it, but it would explain a lot. The worry, the endless paranoia, unwillingness and inablility to trust, the feeling of not being alone in my head, illusions of grandeur, etc. I'm afraid of it being true. I don't want to be 'that guy'. I want the grand things I see for myself and for others to be the truth. I want the feeling that I have something greater in me to be legitimate. I'm afraid that if I get re-eval'd and diagnosed and start treatment I'll lose all that, and I cherish that part of it all. I love being a dreamer, I love being a thinker, if I didn't I wouldn't be doing what I am doing now in college. I know I can be those things without the help of something like P.Schiz, but I'm afraid I won't be able to. I know that if I do go and get evaluated and it turns out bad I'll have the best support group in the world (you guys).
Ah hell, who knows, maybe I'm perfectly fine and all that I feel inside, all the desire for the good of all, all the need to be something more than this, all the desire to be the leader of change, is legit. I don't doubt I need to be on something. For the past 3+ years I've had a sharp decline in my ability to stay focused. And I need something to help keep me a little more level, my moods are fluctuating more than I can control with will alone.

I know one thing I need. And I realize now I've always had it. I need someone(s) to believe in me. Maybe that's the secret to all this. Maybe that's what I need to knock this out finally and be free of it. I need people to believe in me, with no hesitance, no doubt. It sounds like a lot, I seem to be asking for blind belief, but I know deep deep down under all the distractions and barriers and bullshit that I will not dissapoint.

Anyway, more later, head is starting to hurt too much from trying to think this through. Please don't think I'm crazy. Please don't think I'm full of shit or just bitching. Every word I've said in this blog has been 100% true, something I usually don't do.

I love you guys. Mock me, laugh at me for saying that, but all of you, guys and gals alike that are my friends, I love you all. Don't give up on me, and please don't let go.

I love you Christina. More than I can even attempt to put in this text block. I'd crash the internet with as much as I'd have to type to tell you that. Do not give up on me.

I'll be alright soon everyone. I promise, I just need the strength to free myself.

Always,
Allen J. Kerns

P.S: Ferrin... I am sorry for how I was. All the problems we were having (are having? Idk, I think things are okay now), were my fault and I shouldn't have blamed you for any of it. I hope I havn't screwed things up too bad. You're my twin, my sister, my friend. I'd hate to think I've ruined everything. I'm so sorry.

White Flags and Red Eyes

Why do I feel like just saying fuck everything and give up on it all? An explanation would be awesome.

Oh well, being able to run away and hide or pretend things are fine or ignore the real problems or just never solve anything is a luxury I do not, never have, or will never have. I learned long ago what happens when you ignore your problems. They one day tap you on the shoulder to get you to turn around, then brutally murder you and devour whats left of your sanity.

"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus side show." ~Tool "Aenema"